Once again, I’m sitting home alone on a Friday night & figured I might as well blog about some of the random things that have been on my mind recently.
Lately, I’ve vacillated between two rather opposing feelings.
Half the time, I feel this sort of expectation deep in my gut. Its this feeling of excitement hinting at something good about to happen, that I can’t quite put my finger on. Its like that fluttery feeling you’d get on Christmas Eve, as a little kid; like the anticipation when getting ready for a first date, with a boy you really like; like the feeling as you crest the hill on a roller coaster & know you’re just about to feel the rush of the fall. And yet, I have no real cause for these feelings. I hope its a sort of intuition, feeling the inevitability of something good happening, especially after having such a long, rather placid and stagnant period in my life. Of course, it might just be an odd sort of defense mechanism my brain is creating to avoid a total descent into skepticism by keeping me on my toes with an unfounded sense of optimism. Alternately, it could be a completely simple explanation of an excess of endorphins being released into my system as I’ve been running very regularly & consistently improving. Whatever the true root of this peculiar feeling, I suppose there’s no real way to know except with time, as my feelings of yearning & expectation for something new & profound will either be satisfied with some elusive thing — or not.
The other feeling is not such a pleasant one, but unfortunately something I’m all too familiar with & I’m sure more and more of us are as we grow older, and learn many lessons in life.
I’ve been very deeply disappointed with many people recently. People time and again fail to live up to my expectations. Now I realize there is always the possibility that I hold too high of expectations for others, however, in the fervent avoidance of disappointment I regularly practice, I think I have lowered the bar and generally put up with more than I used to & offer much more understanding toward those I consider friends, than quite frankly, I should. However, many people whom I once looked upon as good, true friends have not only let me down, but shown a sheer lack of respect and consideration toward me. I don’t understand how some can treat others so poorly, especially people they’ve taken the time to get to know and let into their lives.
One realization I’ve made about myself recently is that I am a very all or nothing person. When I run, I go daily and put forth all my effort. When I make an ethical decision not to eat meat anymore, I can change immediately and without hesitation. When I finally let someone into my life, I commit myself fully to that relationship and don’t look back. However, when something changes in my perspective, or I realize an error in my judgment, I find little difficulty in shutting out whatever turned into poison, or what I recognized always really was, with a gained understanding. When someone has perpetually wronged me, the respect and understanding I had for them will quickly dissipate and I find little difficulty in asserting necessary self-preservation and cutting people like that out of my life. As such, many of the people who I feel have been no true friends of mine, have been excised from my life.
Unfortunately, this means my circle of friends narrows in the process and I often find myself rather lonely, beginning to embody the “cat lady” I always jokingly proclaimed myself as. However, I must remember the old adage my mom always told me growing up, “Its better to have no friends, than bad friends”, which I’ve found to be true time & again. At the end of the day, my self-respect means much more to me than some shoddy company for an evening, every now and then. I like to think that it will pay off in the long run, allowing me to have someone in my life who respects me for my integrity, and a close circle of friends who genuinely care about me as a person, and not what they can get from me, or my body.
Maybe my feeling of anticipation will collide with my integrity and I’ll get both things I want, and finally be rewarded by Karma for the positive things I feel I have coming to me, for not being a shitty person, and trying to live an ethical life. Hopefully, I’ll meet some great, new friends, or become closer to the few who are still around.
I know Life always has a number of surprises up its sleeve, and I am eager to see what they might prove to be, and I can only hope these butterflies in my stomach are a sign of good things to come, and a nice change from the status quo.
Lucid Reverie 